I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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