So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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