The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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