and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
