I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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