just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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