It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
