rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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