My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
