I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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