I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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