So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
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I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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