I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
