Me too!
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize