My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drake has all the answers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
