were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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