I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
