Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
