Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
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