Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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