Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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