they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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