I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
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its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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