He uses pillows to masturbate.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
