Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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