Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
