The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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