Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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