Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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