you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Life is so much better after having sex.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am naked and annoyed.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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