Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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