My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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