i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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