idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
