Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
