so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we're so committed to being not committed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
