the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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