There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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