i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
