My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
