Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
