I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she peed on how many people?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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