Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
