I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
