WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
