I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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