Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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