i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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