I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We're too hungover to prance.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
