I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it because I queefed?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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