captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
