I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
