sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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