when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My life is pants optional.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
