3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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