I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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