He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
