I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
