i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
