my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
