true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
