Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
