Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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